Shellfish

How does one make a vision come true?
Does one have the right to shape people's lives, let them be alive again, force them to drink the universe and be happy?
Where does one begin? How does one begin?

Changing, I thought, was the first step. Change the self before reaching for the others.But can one change its self?
I told myself : you have two years to crush your shellfish and stupîd self. Two years like a pupa, to become the one you long to be. Two years to mend broken windows and gather strength and ideas.
But *laughs*
I delude myself. As the time comes nearer and nearer, the old feeling rises again. Slowly, furtively.
Those you love are the ones who break you most easily and completely. Without even knowing what they did. I never believed this. But it's true.
How am I to meet her again, knowing what she thinks of me, she whom I came to love like a second mum, my wonderful piano teacher?
And once there's holed windows inside, how do you mend them? How can a frail, cowardly and disgusting fleeing self rise, change?
Useless, useless questions. Useless torture. Useless words.

A vision, and more. A delusion, a dream to fill the void of a ghastly creature? I hope not.
I promised Llu I would write him. If only...No. Llu's an Absolute. Llu is a magnificent Doll, a doll who will never yield, even if it leads to destruction.
oua, I dared to mention Llu in this internet blog! I can almost see his defiant eyes widening in disbelief.
Yes, I will dare. I will dare and become Merlin.

As the title of this "article" says so plainly, this is shellfish. Selfish. Choose as you will. No matter how one hates its self, one cannot destroy it without losing one's eyes.

Stop groping for tomorrows that don't even exist, silly!